ruthless. 1_1

What is enough? How much can I take without being greedy? What does it the cost? What awaits me at the end? Have I fallen behind? Will I suffer? Does it hurt? Am I good?

I don’t have the answers to the questions that plague me every day. But I am certain that regardless of what they are, this time I’m not leaving myself behind.

I’ve only just made peace with losses from ten ago.

Yet, new ones continue to accumulate.

Forming a snaking queue.

I fear that soon I will no longer be able to see the end.

That the line will be so long it will vanish into the setting sun.  

Will I ever be able to get through them all, to let them all go?

I have the capacity to grow love.

Why would I ever say no to that?

There is a voice inside me, it always speaks the truth.

Yet, I rarely embrace its honest answer.

Why do I choose to ignore it?

I’m sick of being unsure about it all.

Will I ever accept the notion that I have no semblance of control?

I have forgotten why I despised small talk.

I yearn to talk of nothing.

Why did I think it was inconsequential?

That voice, consistently humming.
Beats like a metronome.
Precise, resolute.

Not loud, not crass, not overwhelming.
Steady.

“Get up. Get up. Get up.”

Not arising from my heart or mind.
It stirs deep within my gut.
Pacing, restless, persistent.

Enduring each fall and picking me up.
Unwavering alongside the ever changing rhythms of life.

I feel too small to contain emotions of such magnitude.

An entire universe lives within me.

Assuming I am limitless.

Are we both fools or is it true?

Pulling at the thread.

Hoping it will all unravel.

Will I feel relieved?

No one told me I had to ask to be loved.

I expected it to grow organically, to bloom with care and nurture.

For I do not believe it is love, if I have to beg to be heard.