ruthless. 1_1

I only want two things in life.

For you to wake up every morning and be my home.

Is that too much to ask for?

Do you know what makes my heart ache? Beyond lost loves and broken promises. Past personal failures and regret.

Do you know what truly hurts? What weighs heavy on my chest and makes me weep endlessly each day?

When I see the ones I love give up on themselves. Watching them vanish into strangers I do not recognise.

Waiting as that punishing cloud sweeps overhead. Ready to hear its cruel taunts and accept its wicked words.

“Stop hurting them!” I want to scream.

Tears flood down my face as I witness their pain. Powerless to stop the damage of its wake. Seeing them, external pieces of my heart, chip away.

“It’s not true, it’s not true. Don’t listen!” I exclaim.

I’m yelling as loud as I can and yet they do not hear me. I cannot fathom how they can be so callous to something so dear to my heart. So vital to my life.  

It’s the heart ache that weighs on me each day. A torment that never goes away.

Am I ever going to get there?

Absorb every moment of empowerment, using all senses and faculties.

For it is difficult to think of them on the spot, to notice them in times of need, to find them when I feel terribly small.

So when strength consumes me and I am utterly myself, I strive to commit that feeling to memory.

For invariably there will be a time when I find myself down and unworthy again, as we all often do.

But now I seek to easily recall those vibrations of fortitude.

Lighting the path, reminding me of all that I am.

The certainty that I can get back there again.  

I know I do not have the power to change it.
And I’m not certain that I would if I could.

But why did it have to happen all at once?
Couldn’t you have spared me a bit of time?

To catch my breath. To wipe the tears. To stop reeling before the next arrives.
Even rain clouds give way to the sun.

I’m only one person and I still have so far left to go.
Is it too much to ask for warmth and grace when I’m low?

Will I ever find the missing puzzle piece?
Its hollow stain marring the rest.
Incomplete. Wasted effort. Lost cause.

Look past it, look past it.

Remember the fun.
Don’t let that piece think that its won.

One day will I decide I need more?
More care, more support.

Will you decide you need less?
Less smothering, less hovering.

Will I crave closeness while you plead for space?
Who knows?

But nothing terrifies me more than imagining my life without you.
So I’ll relentlessly nag you with the hope that it will never be that way for us.

For I don’t want anything to fester.
To wake up one day and wish “Oh, I should have told you sooner.”
When the problem was just the dishes or the laundry or the food shop.

So I pester you now. Persistently point out the flaws. Continually criticise and complain.
All because I don’t ever want to be without you.

And I know it’s deeply annoying and frustrating.
That I pick the worst times to bring up my grievances.
When you’re busy and stressed with work or you’ve just woken up.
It vexes me to no end that I am this way.

But if I don’t speak up now it might alter.  
Turn into something ugly and unyielding without us realising.
Something so complicated and messy that it can never be untangled.
Undone.

So can you believe me when I say that I do all this grumbling out of love?  
Out of fear that one day these seemingly insignificant problems will transform into monsters and chase away all the good.

No, that would break my heart.
I can’t allow it.
So I’ll complain today because I can’t bear to lose you tomorrow.
I’m sorry but I love you too much to be silent.

You can tell me everything.

Your new favourite breakfast, the latest drama at work, the list of never-ending chores, the audacity of your mum last week, the miserable weather, the embarrassing thing you said, the outfit you’re going to wear to the party, the funny video you saw.

I want to know it all.

But when I ask you,

“How are you?”

What I really want to say is,

“How is your health? How is your head? How is your heart?”

There’s nothing quite as life affirming as seeing the people you adore become the best version of themselves.

What have I been doing all this time if it’s only now that I feel awake?