ruthless. 1_1

The concept of soul mates has never sat well with me.

Souls that are fated to be with one another.

It feels cold and perfunctory. An automatic transaction void of depth.

Trivialising the journey and its hardships.

As if it was all on accident. By chance.

But the souls I love, I love them on purpose.

You’re not destined for me, as I am not for you.

But I love loving you, and for that alone I hope to find you in every lifetime.

Because I will always come back for you.

At the end of it all, I hope to find myself.

That would be enough.

Oh, how unaware I’ve been yet again, thinking of love in all the wrong ways.

Longing for the day that it would be bestowed upon me. Limitless and boundless like sunshine through the rain.  

That when I received this gift, I would have no demons left to conquer, for with love by my side they wouldn’t dare come near.

It’s only now that I realise love was never a thing for me to obtain. It wasn’t a tool for me to wield or source of strength for me to plunder. It wasn’t an external supply for me to consume.

I know now, that love is mine to create and its endless joy lies in giving it away.

I’ve focused for so long on how you were never the person I expected you to be.

Without realising that you thought the same of me.

I know I can do it.

Standing here, frozen.

Staring hungrily at the vastness of the world.

My body has betrayed me.

At odds with my mind.

So far from my heart.

Why can’t we all just get along?

We all want the same thing.

To move forward.

I wish I could do it.

I cherish the hearts I’ve found along the way.

The ones that thrummed alongside the symphony I play.

Danced beside the ups and downs of this ballet.

I’m so glad you chose me to be your friend that day.

This life is bizarre.

I don’t know if it will ever stop feeling surreal.

Usually, when I have a real revelation, true moment of clarity or epiphany in life, I do not feel calm, relieved or self-assured. Instead, my instant reaction is a stomach-churning phenomenon born of sadness, guilt and anger.

If only I knew that then.
If only I hadn’t been distracted.
If only I had been aware earlier.
If only I didn’t think I knew it all.
If only I heard, not just listened.
If only I hadn’t been stubborn.
If only I realised it before.
If only I hadn’t been ignorant.
If only I had paid attention.
If only I hadn’t been judgemental.
If only I had tried harder.
If only I hadn’t wasted all that time.

If only I didn’t let myself down again.
How little it is, that I really know.
How quickly I seem to forget all I have learnt.

Do you think it will ever change?

How do you create a life well-lived? How do you define it? Where do you start? What does it look like when you envision it? Can you see it? A clear goal of what you want. Of what you can be. Of who.

I don’t.

I feel adrift with too many thoughts and too small of a measure of gumption. Peering into windows of endless possibilities without ever going in. I don’t know where I’m headed. I don’t know what it will look like. I don’t even know if I’m moving at all. I thought life would make more sense by now.

Instead I feel like I’m miles beneath the water, rushing to hit the surface and take a breath full of air. No matter how quickly I paddle my feet, how desperate I am to feel the sun on my face, I’m worried that I won’t ever escape these watery depths. Forever waiting under the surface, floating with the currents, nowhere to go.

I’ve planned, and planned, and planned my whole life.
Played it safe.
For what? For whom?

I’m going to be chaotic for a while now.

Untethered.