ruthless. 1_1

It changed from being “too young” to “too old” too quickly.

If only I could convey the meaning you give my life.

How your steady breathing gives me hope. The way your soft steps soothe my hardened heart. When your grumbles and grunts remind me that I’m never lonely. Your presence weightless and gentle, yet I’m sure it’s the greatest force keeping me bound to this world.

You look at me as if I’m exactly how I should be.

I feel so small.

Does the Earth even feel my weight?

I have surrendered.
Stopped fighting the wills from deep within.

Oh, the energy I’ve spent to keep you locked away.
To keep it all at bay.

No more, be free.
I wish you happiness my little beast.

Go play.

I feel it calling.

Pulling me forward by an invisible thread.

Firmly tugging my chest. Thrumming through my body.

“You’re just a dream, you can’t be real.”

But the pull remains, and I am heartbroken that I haven’t had the courage to follow you before.

I’m sorry it’s taken me so long.

I’m coming now.

I think I’m trapped inside my mind.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my mind. I love how quickly it thinks and how funny it is. I love how smart and stupid it can be at exactly the same time. I love everything it’s given me, my unique perspective, all the rational pep talks and illogical debates, but I think the mind gets lonely without the body. There is only so much it can do on its own.

I don’t want a lonely mind. I want one surrounded by memories and experiences, not just thoughts and ideas. I want one filled with lilting notes and hoarse laughs. I want one that is tart and spicy and sickly sweet. I want one that is engulfed in colour and warm sun-kissed breezes. I want one that leaves scars and raises the hairs on my arms. I want the dreaded pit in my stomach, the joy of fullness in my lungs, the burning frustration in my throat, the dropping of shoulders when I sigh.  

I want to escape from my mind, not to find sense but to feel the senses.

Sometimes I get so afraid I can hear my heart stutter.  

I’ll just be sitting.
Thinking nothing.
Doing nothing.

Yet fear will grip me, find me when I least expect it. Riddling my mind with frenzy, frantically searching for something I cannot find. Like slow-moving oil, this stranger slicks its way into every vein as my heart thunders. It hides behind stray thoughts and moments of fragility. Always lurking, waiting to explore.

Constricting my lungs.
Seizing my muscles.
To hunt me before I find it.

I’m tired of looking, of trying to grasp what type of monster you are. I’d rather forget. So, please go away and leave me in peace.