Usually, when I have a real revelation, true moment of clarity or epiphany in life, I do not feel calm, relieved or self-assured. Instead, my instant reaction is a stomach-churning phenomenon born of sadness, guilt and anger.

If only I knew that then.
If only I hadn’t been distracted.
If only I had been aware earlier.
If only I didn’t think I knew it all.
If only I heard, not just listened.
If only I hadn’t been stubborn.
If only I realised it before.
If only I hadn’t been ignorant.
If only I had paid attention.
If only I hadn’t been judgemental.
If only I had tried harder.
If only I hadn’t wasted all that time.

If only I didn’t let myself down again.
How little it is, that I really know.
How quickly I seem to forget all I have learnt.

Do you think it will ever change?